A War Cry by Cyndi Borsellino

What motivated me to share my story with my daughter was from the healing I received and realizing past generations of secrets and lies.  I did not want this to go to the next generation.  I wanted to see it stop here and now.  I realized the only way for it to stop was to be fully vulnerable and unashamed from my past experiences, which means I need to be transparent especially to my family.  All things hidden in darkness brought to the light, which is what I read in scripture and really felt the Lord Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit was teaching me His living word, coming alive in me.  Bringing darkness to the light means you talk about it and release it, not keeping it hidden inside as a secret filled with guilt, shame, condemnation, unworthiness and so much more.

The truth is I never really felt alive.  I use to describe my life as living inside a glass box where I could see out but could never feel anything at all.  There was a major lack of emotional trust.  I believed I had no soul.  I believed I was created for evil and for men’s pleasure.  I didn’t believe I had a right to feel anything not even anger.  I had self loathng, self hatred.

I still look back and am amazed at how I got out alive.  I was living in a home in Florida, doing sex work, getting high and drinking daily.  I was only 16 at the time and then turned 17 while living in this lifestyle.  The manager who took care of the property and lived there as well, grabbed me one day and threw my stuff in his suitcase and kept telling me to trust him.  He drove me 2 hours on the highway and dropped me off and told me to never come back for I was in process of getting sold and he told me I wouldn’t get out alive.  I never looked back and I ended up in Albuquerque NM and got a job as a waitress. I met an older gentleman who would tell me stories, stories of redemption.  I met Jesus Christ in a powerful encounter at a church service and was amazed that someone could love me even after everything I had done.

I returned to my home town and thought I could save my family, but instead I ended up back in drugs and getting pulled into a scheme from an older man who was creating a prostitution ring in Chicago.  I barely got out alive.  I was shot at. I told the man when I realized what he was doing that he was from the devil.  He tried to kill me, after that.  I told the Lord if he got me out alive I would follow Him and give up everything for Him.  I did get out alive and went to see my Aunt and Uncle who I knew were Christians.  They led me to a group called “Kings Kids”.  I went and lived there for a year and walked through healing where drug addiction no longer was a problem.  My identity was still in “sex” though and I got into an abusive relationship after I left the group home, but the Lord was still with me and opening doors for me – such as I got an amazing job even though I had no high school diploma let alone a college degree.  I would go to church and pray about the man I was with (who was going to church and a Christian), the Lord said I was not to be with him yet I still felt trapped and unworthy of anything good.  

Then, I was offered a job transfer to upstate NY.  I felt the Lord opened a way of escape for me again.  So I definitely took it.  I met my current husband.  He is like Hosea in the Bible!  He never even smoked a cigarette let alone pot, he wasn’t a partier, and has never had a girlfriend other than one time for a only month.  He had a job at IBM and was a computer programmer.  The Lord told me I was going to marry him on our second date.  I was shocked because he was nothing like anyone I had ever met before.  I wrote a song for him – Please don’t walk away from me it’s not what you think,   it’s just that I have a pain inside that needs to be set free please help me.  I don’t mean to compare you to what I used to know, please be patient, I’m only human but soon I will let go.  I must live for today, You’re a chance  I must take. I’ve got to live for today. With you by my side, this fear I will shake.